The Other Half of Me
by tinyhuman02
Summary: April's back with Matthew, but something doesn't feel right about it. A certain person's words continue to haunt her mind, confusing her more than ever. And she's not the only person with relationship problems. At least she won't have to mope alone. Post 9x21 one-shot, and a follow up/conclusion to Misery Loves Its Company/Foolishly In Love one-shots.


**This idea just randomly popped up in my head last night, so I decided to go with it. I really feel like something's finally clicking in April's head, but I hate how poorly she's being written lately :\ Anyway, I wanted to complete my very short collection of one-shots, so hope you enjoy it! :)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Grey's or the characters. If I did well, we wouldn't be waiting this long for Japril ;)**

* * *

April Kepner entered the empty attendings lounge unsure of why she walked inside in the first place. Her mind had been all over the place after her most recent conversation with Jackson Avery. She couldn't help feeling anger and bitterness towards him because her lie nearly cost her relationship with Matthew. However, she and the paramedic reconciled their differences. He wanted a do over. She gave him one and they were a couple again. But why couldn't she feel relieved about it? Why wasn't she completely happy?

_"As far as us sleeping together, I'm never gonna be sorry about that," Jackson told her with a serious tone in his voice._

His comment played in her head repeatedly and she hardly slept throughout the night. Every time she closed her eyes, his face appeared and those words came out of his mouth. His image haunted her whether she was awake or not. It was frustrating. She didn't have a chance to respond because Matthew arrived – to ask for forgiveness and another chance. Now, she wasn't sure how to face Jackson again.

She probably shouldn't have blamed him for Matthew dumping her. She was hurt and upset of losing a man who had done nothing wrong to warrant being lied to in the first place. Jackson never advised her to lie to her boyfriend about her virginity. And he was right. He didn't force her to have sex with him. He never took her virginity. _She_ gave it to him. Maybe if they had never broken up-

WHAM!

"Dude, get out of the way," Alex Karev irritably said after hitting April with the door and snapping her out of her deep thoughts. He walked past her, heading towards the refrigerator. "Forget how to walk?"

"Huh, what?" She slowly approached the peds surgeon, rubbing her left shoulder as the stinging pain finally sunk in. "I uhh… I don't even know why I'm in here. I just kept walking and walking and… I'm here."

He stared at her with a puzzled expression. She was rambling for whatever reason, not that he cared. He had his own issues to mope about. "Okay…"

She watched him rummage through the freezer. "Last night, Matthew and I got back together," she randomly announced.

"I had no freaking clue you two even broke up," Alex admitted and chuckled. "What happened? Did he finally see you naked? Or did _you_ see him naked and you were left unimpressed?"

"No, we haven't seen each other naked," April retorted, shooting a glare at him while he laughed. She leaned back against the nearby dining table and folded her arms. "He was upset because I lied to him about being a virgin."

"That's it? Mr. Sensitivity was butt hurt because he didn't screw you first?"

The trauma surgeon groaned and rolled her eyes. "Of course you, of all people, wouldn't understand. You used to sleep with every woman who looked at you. When was the last time you had a meaningful relationship, Alex?"

Alex simply scowled at her because she had a point. A part of him didn't want to count Lucy Fields as his last meaningful relationship. Izzie Stevens was his first and possibly only true love. He freaking married her. After she left him, he had a string of flings that fizzed out and a whole ton of one night stands. He was the last person who should be teasing others about their relationship woes considering he hadn't been in one for at least a year.

"Anyway, he decided he wanted a do over and I thought I was doing the right thing in letting him back in…" Her voice trailed as her mind drifted back to Jackson's comments and she nervously bit her lower lip. "What if I made a mistake? Matthew's good. He respects me and he… loves me."

"So he's Mr. Perfect. Whatever, but it doesn't sound like you love the guy back," he implied, then he pulled out a container of mint chocolate chip ice cream. "You want some? Eat and mope. It works."

"Sure, but what are you moping about?"

"I… I'm not moping," Alex insisted as he stood beside the counter. He grabbed two bowls from a cupboard and two spoons from a drawer. "What do you think of Peckwell? You think he's a good guy?"

"Peckwell? Oh! You mean, Jason. Umm… I guess he's good. I've only worked with him a couple of times," she truthfully answered. "Why?"

Alex quickly shrugged while he scooped ice cream into their bowls. "Jo's moving in with him, which is ridiculous," he muttered. "They've only been dating for like a week and she's moving in with him? Freaking lame."

April softly laughed. "I'm pretty sure they've been dating longer than that." She raised her eyebrow at him. "You have feelings for Jo?"

He remained silent. Cristina Yang knew how he felt about the intern, but he didn't want everybody knowing his business. The redhead beside him would probably gush over the fact that he wanted somebody who was unavailable and try to force him to talk about his sappy feelings. He and April were friends and she could always see right through him. She wasn't annoying him as much as she used to, but that didn't necessarily mean he was willing to open up to her about his girl problems.

"Uhh, so why do you think taking back that tall doofus is a mistake?" he asked, deflecting the topic back towards her.

"Umm… have you ever thought you were with somebody who's perfect for you, but maybe isn't actually who you're supposed to be with?" she answered with her own question. April fidgeted with a loose thread hanging out from the sleeve of her lab coat. "Like, despite how there's nothing wrong with this perfect guy, you find yourself wanting to be with the one with flaws?"

Alex finished scooping ice cream into the bowls and put the container back into the freezer. "Still hung up on Avery all this time?" he nonchalantly said. "Then again, I'm not surprised. Don't assume I didn't notice you cozying up to him when I wanted you to talk to Mr. Cruse about his wife."

"I was upset she died," she claimed. "Th-they were meant to be. And then she was taken away from him and the world is just… so unfair sometimes. Jackson was being a friend. Honestly, I think he's my _only_ friend here and I sometimes can't look him in the eye."

"What the hell's wrong with the both of you?" He handed her one of the bowls and a spoon. "First, you two are boinking every freaking hour of the day. Next, he's busy boinking an intern, while you're playing Virgin Mary with Virgin Matthew. And now, you two make annoying googly eyes at each other like you want to boink all over again. You two suck."

"It's more complicated than you're implying," she argued. "He dumped me, even after I was willing to go on the pill for him. And then, he starts sleeping with the date I chose for him for Bailey's wedding. I was allowed to move on, but he says these things while he looks at me with those stupidly gorgeous eyes and it drives me nuts!"

Alex stuffed his mouth with ice cream. "You know what? I was actually trying to be a nice guy to Ass Face yesterday," he complained. "I thought I was being a good friend by telling him about Jo's crappy childhood, so he'd understand why I care about her. She goes off on me about how I shouldn't have said anything!"

April sighed. "Matthew's such an amazing guy. I already hurt him once and I can't bear to hurt him again…"

"That douche knows nothing about Jo. She's just drawn to his buffed up man boobs."

"I don't even really know where he stands with Stephanie," she rambled as she walked towards the couch. He followed suit, while he continued his own rambles. "He keeps pulling me in, but he's with somebody else."

"He's part of the freaking Vagina Squad," he bitterly said, rolling his eyes.

Both doctors plopped down on the couch at the same time, the two of them appearing disgruntled as they indulged in their comfort food. Alex propped his legs up on the coffee table, while April crossed her legs in annoyance. Their moods had taken a large dip since they started whining about their troubles. They were both miserable for very different reasons, but they shared a common thought.

"I love Jo," he murmured.

"I love Jackson," she openly confessed.

They immediately glanced at each other, feeling embarrassed about saying their thoughts out loud. Alex shifted in his seat and fed himself a giant spoonful of ice cream, so he couldn't talk. April stared down at her bowl with wide eyes. She couldn't believe she admitted her true feelings about Jackson – and to Alex, who she thought stopped listening to her minutes ago.

She was in love with her best friend. All of the confusion she had been feeling prior to her admission subsided after she told the peds surgeon how she felt about Jackson. And Alex had grown sheepish over telling her his deep feelings for Jo. They were somewhat in the same boat now. Neither of them were prepared to tell their other halves about their feelings, though. One thought he didn't stand a chance against Chest Peckwell, while the other believed she may have screwed up by taking back the wrong man.

Alex swallowed his ice cream and cleared his throat. "You heard nothing, Kepner," he sternly said before grabbing his forehead after experiencing brain freeze.

"N-neither did you," she reluctantly replied.

"Just freaking tell him already. You two have the history, so quit acting like you can't tell him crap," he advised.

She shook her head. "I can't tell him right now. There's still Matthew, you know. I can't get back together with him one day and suddenly dump him the next. That's horrible. And wait a minute. You didn't hear me say anything, remember?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but… why are you wasting time on this dude when you'd rather be with somebody else?"

"Matthew cares about me," she answered with a frown. "It's not about sex for him. He gives me compliments that make me feel better about myself. He's not walking out of rooms or avoiding me when I'm rambling-"

"Dude must have a high tolerance for annoying people then," he quipped, drawing a scowl from her. "You're playing it safe. Look, I don't know how Avery feels about you, but you're being a coward."

"Speak for yourself," April countered, pointing her spoon at Alex. "You have feelings for a person who has no idea you even feel that way about her. You're the bigger coward."

"Shut up."

"You shut up," she retorted, slightly scooting away from him. "And by the way, you're the last person I want dating advice from. Since when do you even care about my personal life?"

"Since never, but you have a chance to change your fate and you're settling on some geek with nice teeth," the peds surgeon bluntly said.

"Quit insulting Matthew! You don't even know him very well," April scolded him.

Cristina entered the lounge and was greeted by April and Alex's banter from the couch. In a way, she missed the sound of those two arguing. It mainly gave her ammunition to poke fun at the both of them. She never hesitated to tease her housemate about his presence alone. With April, it was way too easy. Sometimes the trauma surgeon brought it on herself with her daily word vomit.

She stood behind the coffee table, hands in her lab coat pockets as she watched and listened to her colleagues argue over whatever they were fighting about. She smirked at them when they finally noticed she was standing in front of them. "What's the matter? Did Alex steal your cookie, April?"

"Shove it, Yang. None of your freaking business," Alex answered, pouting as he slouched on the couch.

April sat up, setting her bowl on the coffee table. "Cristina, can you please tell Alex he's being an idiot and a coward for letting Jo move on with another guy?"

"Well, she loves Avery, but she took back Paramedic Doofus yesterday," he added.

"You and Doofus broke up?" Cristina asked amusingly. April rolled her eyes in response and sighed in annoyance. The cardio surgeon chuckled to herself. "That's news to me. What happened? Did he see you naked?"

April threw her arms up in frustration. "No! He didn't see me naked. What is with you and Alex asking me the same question?" she snapped. "Just because Matthew's a virgin it doesn't mean he hasn't seen a naked woman before."

Alex snickered. "There's a difference between seeing a hot naked woman on TV and naked you."

"Can we get back to the real problem here?" She was about ready to throw a punch at him, especially if he and Cristina continued to gang up on her. "Who do you think is more cowardly? Him for not stepping up and confessing to Jo or me for being with somebody who accepts me for me?"

"Honestly?" Cristina smugly grinned at the two doctors. "I think you're both equally stupid. Alex finally admits he loves his intern, but he's afraid to do anything about it. And you, April, will never get over Jackson, so why bother fighting it? I don't even know which of the two of you deserves to be Tweedle Dumber."

"This is coming from the person who divorced her husband and continues to screw him," Alex scoffed, receiving a nod from April. "For the record, my problem is way more complicated than Kepner's. She's just playing it safe."

April hated hearing it, but Alex was right. Matthew _was_ the safer choice. He loved her. She had no idea if Jackson loved her, though. What if she confessed her love to him and he didn't reciprocate those feelings? And he was still dating- seeing- "having fun" with Stephanie Edwards.

But why would Jackson tell her he wasn't sorry about sleeping with her if he the feelings weren't mutual?

She was too shocked at the moment to fully process in her head what he meant by it and Matthew had arrived to interrupt their conversation. Every time she felt she might possibly be taking a step forward, Jackson pulled her back with his eyes, his smile and his heated stares. And while it had been months since they were together, they hadn't reached any closure between them. She couldn't talk to him the way she used to be able to.

Jackson walked into the lounge with his lunch, while Alex and Cristina stared at him with mischievous smiles on their faces. April, on the other hand, gazed down at her lap. Suddenly, the mood had grown incredibly awkward amongst the foursome.

"What?" the plastic surgeon slowly said as he sat down at the dining table.

Cristina cleared her throat. "Uhh, I have to go check on a patient- _our_ patient, Karev," she hinted with a nod as she inched her way towards the door. "You know, the little one that poops every hour?"

Alex jumped up from the couch, taking his and April's bowls to the sink. "Right. Uhh, we should get a move on then."

Jackson watched them leave the attendings lounge in a hurry, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. He glanced back at April, who remained seated on the couch. She appeared bothered by something based on how she nervously bit on her lower lip. After defending himself against her the previous night, he felt like a small weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He had grown tired of being the bad guy for no apparent reason. All he wanted to do was the right thing and he was dumped on for it.

But with April, he hadn't told her everything he wanted to say. Once he saw Matthew at the hospital, he expected some sort of reconciliation between them. He personally hoped nothing would come out of their encounter, but at the same time, he wanted her to be happy. Their break up had taken a toll on her and she began lashing out about things he hadn't actually said or done. He was upset, but he didn't care for her any less.

"Everything alright?" he politely asked.

She barely lifted her head as her sad eyes looked at him. "Yeah. Yeah, umm… Matthew and I… we're together again," she softly said, lacking any confidence in her response.

"You don't seem happy about it," he pointed out, standing up and approaching the couch. Sitting beside her, he took a deep breath and exhaled deeply. "Is this my fault too?"

"I am so sorry for blaming you yesterday. I've been stressed out about having to start studying for my boards again and I was upset about Matthew dumping me. I'm just so confused right now," she tearfully replied and buried her face into her hands.

Jackson placed his hand against her lower back, soothingly rubbing it in small circles. "I can take some of the blame for that," he murmured. "As your friend, I want to see you happy with the man you're going to marry, but I also can't sit back and watch you start a life with somebody who isn't supposed to be that man."

April's head practically popped up like she was a part of a Whack-A-Mole game. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stared at him. Was he trying to say what she had hoped he was feeling towards her?

"W-what are you- Jackson, I-I well, you see…" she stammered, puzzling him with her gibberish. Trying to recollect herself, she closed her eyes and sighed. "Yesterday, when you told me you weren't sorry about us sleeping together, what exactly did you mean by that?"

"That I'm not sorry about it. There's nothing to be sorry for," he insisted. "I'm not sorry because I loved sleeping with you. At some point we both thought it was just sex, but it wasn't. You know it wasn't. I told you it wasn't. We were both pretty screwed up because we weren't sure what we were really doing together. I thought we couldn't work out, that we wanted entirely different things. We were never on the same page."

She pointed at herself. "I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted, Jackson, but when I thought I started to figure it all out you were sleeping with somebody else. Made me think whatever happened between us was just sex after all," she admitted, shyly brushing strands of her hair behind her ear. "And then Matthew came along. I thought he was the answer to my problems. He was basically everything I wanted in a man – at least, that's what I wanted to believe."

He used his thumb to wipe away a single tear trickling from her eye. "Watching you with him for the past few months, I tried not to let him get to me. I bet he's a nice guy, but… okay, the point is, April…"

_Don't choke up now, Avery._ He found it difficult to say those three small words.

Jackson rubbed the back of his neck before he took April's hand into his. Staring directly into her glossy eyes, his heart was pounding like it was ready to shoot out of his chest. "I… I love you. I've been in love with you, but I was afraid you were already in love with somebody else."

A smile formed on April's face. Jackson Avery was in love with her! She quickly shook her head. "No, no. I… I thought _you_ didn't feel that way about me because I've pushed you away so much with the hurtful things I've said. Matt is great. He's a sweet guy, but I'm not in love with him. I never was. It took me a long time to realize it, but I love you too, Jackson."

He gently stroked her cheek with his thumb, smiling back at her. "You really have no idea how amazing it feels to hear you say that." Leaning forward to kiss her, she stopped him by pressing her finger against his lips. "What's wrong?"

"This is going to be such a mood killer, but we're still with other people," she sheepishly reminded him. "I don't want either of us to feel any guilt about anything we do together, so if we're going to make this right, we have to take care of unfinished business first with Matthew and Stephanie."

Jackson nodded his head disappointedly, but April had a point. He had never been a cheater in his entire life and she would definitely not want that label placed upon her. But he missed her lips. All he wanted to do was kiss her. He was going to behave, though, because this was one relationship he refused to let crumble again.

Instead, he tenderly kissed her cheek and wrapped his muscular arms around her small frame. "And after that?"

April slightly pulled away from his body, smiling once again. "It'll be like it was before. Me and you."

_Me and you._ It was always going to be that way from now on.

* * *

**I'm not on the Jolex ship and I find Alex's declaration of love really random, but I miss April and Alex's interactions and wanted to write their friendship. I wish he (or even Cristina) would actually knock some sense into J&A.**

**Let me know what you think please! :)**


End file.
